I’d been seeing this woman on the quiet for years. She was very grateful really. She’d been a real goer before she was married but then afterwards, something inside her seemed to die. She’d been going through the motions ever since and her husband was one of those macho types who would continually put her down. That’s where I came in.
I’ve always been good at making people feel better about themselves. It’s not because I find the inner beauty in anyone, it’s simply because I’m good at lying. I’ve found that middle-aged women just need to be lied to. They need to be told that they’re beautiful, that their bodies haven’t changed much, that their miserably boring lives are actually interesting. If you can do that and keep a straight face then you’re in.
I have loads on the go. They’re all different shapes and sizes but they’re good to me and I’m good to them in return. Some people assume that I’d be happier if I settled down but what’s the point in that. It’s just not worth the hassle. This way I have sex whenever I want it, I never have any arguments and I get to keep the most important thing of all, variety.
So, anyway, there was this one woman who I’d been seeing for ages. It was nothing serious and both of us knew it. Usually, I’d pop round to her house and give her a once over before doing a bunk and therefore missing her old man coming back from work. He worked shifts, you see. He’d be away at all hours of the night which made it real easy to slip in and out without much fuss. But then one day, he came home unexpectedly.
It was a couple of days before Christmas and I was around her house giving her a present. It was a bit cheesy actually, just a ribbon tied around my manhood but she seemed to like it. We’d been going at it for a while and it was some of that really noisy sex. Lots of banging and shouting.
I was really enjoying myself and I know that she was too, but then we both heard the front door downstairs slam shut.
‘What the fuck was that?’ I exclaimed as I stared open-mouthed.
‘Shit,’ is all she could say, which then made me feel a little more nervous.
‘What do you mean, shit?’
‘I mean, shit, my husband’s home.’
‘But he’s meant to be working.’
‘I know, that’s why I said shit. You’re going to have to get out.’
‘How? Where? He’s bloody downstairs.’
‘You’re going to have to get out the window.’
‘We’re three floors up and my trousers are in the bathroom.’
‘What’s the alternative? Do you want him to come in here and find you banging his wife? He’s a copper for god’s sake, they’re not known for their tolerance. He’ll kill you and know how to get away with it.’
‘You never said he was a bleeding copper, what the fuck am I meant to do now?’
‘Jump out the bloody window, I’ve already told you.’
‘Oh, fucking hell, I can’t believe I’m going to have to do this. This only happens in films.’ I started looking frantically around the room. ‘What am I going to wear?’
‘Here, take this, it’s the best I can do,’ she said throwing me a red dressing gown which was hanging on the back of the door.
‘For fuck’s sake, this is ridiculous. How big did you say he was?’
‘He’s massive, he’ll tear you apart. Just go, for god’s sake, just go before he comes in.’
‘Right then. I suppose I’ll see you later,’ and with that I opened the window and climbed out on to a thin ledge. That was how it all started.
I’d never climbed up or down a house from the outside before. But I would imagine it’s easier if you were properly dressed for it. I had bare feet and a dressing gown blowing up into my face. Not ideal.
I tried to climb carefully down the drain pipe, using the window ledges as foot rests, but eventually I slipped as expected and fell about fifteen feet on to the lawn. The first thing I did was check for any breakages, but realising that I’d escaped any serious injury, I then took off across the road and into the park opposite.
It was freezing due to it being December and my bare feet were killing as I made my way through the trees. Branches were scratching my face and everyone of them felt like a stabbing. I was swearing under my breath and still trying to work out how the hell I was going to get home. I lived about two miles away and there was no chance I could walk along a pavement dressed like this.
I decided that my only chance was to go back the way I’d come and hide in the park opposite her house. I’d wait for him to leave and then I’d quickly get my stuff back and vanish. It was a good plan given the situation and I felt a bit more optimistic as I walked back through the trees with a little less panic than before.
Just in front of her house was a clustered group of bushes large enough to hide a grown man in a red dressing gown. It was perfect for what I needed and I crouched down, trying to cover as much of my legs as possible with the robe. I began my stakeout and started smiling when I thought of the irony of spying on a policeman’s house.
After about half an hour, I was completely focussed on the house. I was studying it for any movement whatsoever which would imply that someone was about to leave. But nothing moved at all. There were no silhouettes in the windows, no lights going on or off and it looked as though I’d be hiding for a lot longer than I thought. Little did I know.
Suddenly, from behind me I heard a small kid screaming and raising blue murder. I nearly shit myself. I turned around just in time to see the little brat’s mum coming up to him and noticing me in the bush. Of course, I’d not realised before but where I’d been bending down and trying to cover my knees, my arse was completely open at the back. It must have looked like I was having a shit or something.
I sprang round and jumped to my feet.
‘Sorry, sorry, it’s not what you think,’ I blurted out, holding my hands out in front of me attempting to placate the mum who by now was screaming as well. ‘Please, you have to believe me, I’m not a pervert or anything.’
Unfortunately, at that very moment, with my hands outstretched, the dressing gown opened up to display my freezing cold penis with a ribbon wrapped around it. Well, what could anyone do once that happened? The mum was now apoplectic and the boy was pointing at my cock laughing. I didn’t know what was worse.
The only sensible course of action was to leg it. I took off like a wild man careering through the trees like a semi-naked slalom skier. The psychologically scarred family behind were both screaming as if their lives depended upon it. I knew that someone was eventually going to come to their rescue so the only thing on my mind was to get away quickly.
But, I’d only been running for about twenty seconds before I heard a shrill whistle coming from somewhere behind me. It was getting louder and louder and then it was on top of me. Unfortunately, it was being blown by the biggest copper you’ve ever seen. Where the hell did he come from?
‘Oi, you pervert,’ he exclaimed gruffly. ‘What do you think you’re doing then? It makes me sick when I see people like you. Come on turn round, let’s have a good look at you.’ I turned around slowly, not taking my eyes off the ground. ‘Oh no, not in a Father Christmas coat as well. You’re disgusting.’
Sure enough, when I looked at what I was actually wearing I also recognised it to be a classic Father Christmas outfit. It was bright, scarlet red but it also had white fur around the edges. Where the fuck did she get this thing from? And, what on earth was it doing on the back of her bedroom door?
‘So, what is it?’ the copper continued. ‘Do you just like showing yourself to small kids? You’re an animal. I’ve got something like that at home,’ he said looking at my coat. ‘I’ve just used it for the station’s Christmas Family Day.’
Suddenly, I realised who he was. She wasn’t lying when she said that he’d tear me apart. ‘Where did you come from?’ I said pathetically in a timid, high-pitched whine.
‘Unluckily for you, I live just where those poor people were screaming. Thank god I was there when you’ve got perverts like you knocking about. I bet you’ve done this before, haven’t you?’
I definitely knew who this was and I was now stuck with a dilemma. Should I accept the public humiliation of being arrested for flashing a small child with a ribbon tied around my knob, or do I tell him the truth and explain that this coat is actually his and that I’ve been shagging his wife for a couple of years? One option would put me in the cells for a while but the other would put me in the morgue. There was only one way to go.
‘I’ve been doing this for ages,’ I sighed in resignation. ‘Years, in fact. It was a good run but, like all good runs, they have to come to an end eventually. Take me away, Officer.’
And that was that. I was taken to the Police Station and they made me sign something saying that I was a pervert. I had to stay overnight so that the night shift could abuse me as well but then the next day, they let me out just before Christmas Day which I thought was quite nice given the circumstances.
There’s a lesson in everything though and I certainly learnt something that day. Never leave your trousers in the bathroom.