A Letter From My Publisher


Dear Michael,

I hope you have had a wonderful couple of weeks. I saw Geronimo the other day and he told me he had seen you on the beach with your family. It must be wonderful to have a family, young children who still see magic in the world, as you know I am a lifelong Batchelor. The joy of sharing my heart with a family has escaped me and now I am sadly too old to rectify the situation. However, my envy for your personal situation, although extensive, has now been exhausted and I must become the bad cop once again.
I am still awaiting the third draft of your long awaited follow up novel, Plaster Scene. You promised this book to me at the end of April and now it is the beginning of June. If you are serious about writing as a profession then I must insist that you pull your finger out of your arse and get it done. I’m sure you believe writing to be an ethereal task and you are now in a period of inspiration but this does not wash with me.
I was there when Jo Rowling took three years to come out with her last Potter book, and when Mr Dickens went on a tour of the US rather than getting on to finish Our Mutual Friend, and I was even an office junior when Homer was dragging his feet on The Iliad. So, I’ve heard it all before.
Lock your children in a box if you must, divorce your wife, and move to a distant shore where the only distraction is a talking parakeet. Do whatever you must but you must get it done.
In order to focus your mind I’m going to give you a deadline. You have six weeks until the fruit of your loins are off school once again for their summer skive, and I believe it will be prudent for you to get it done by then. And I don’t mean just a poxxy third draft, I’m talking the third and final draft. I want it published by the summer or I will scratch you from my roster and you will have to make up another imaginary boss.
I do not want to hear from you again until I’m looking at a finished book, you disgust me at the moment. The very seed of a thought about you in my mind is making me feel nauseous.

I love you as a brother,

Mr Peschelscnitt


8 responses to “A Letter From My Publisher

  1. What a great letter! Had me laughing 🙂 Take note, Michael 😀

  2. Douglas Adams used to say that he loved deadlines. He enjoyed the ‘whooshing’ sound they made as they rushed by. If you are in the same league as him…

  3. Don’t divorce your wife or lock your children away! Darn good letter I must say!!!

  4. Do you know…………..I thought I’d written this letter….it’s certainly what I was thinking! Great letter and if writing letters gives you the spur you need then we may be reading more of them. You could even publish them in the future! Keep going, you’re doing very well.

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